Defeated.

That's the only word I can think of to describe how I feel tonight. I was SO NERVOUS to do day 1 of C25K, but I think I did a pretty decent job pumping myself up for it. I even got through the first 3 minutes of jogging, walked for a minute and a half, and another 5 minutes straight of jogging. I started the 5 minutes at a pretty high speed (for me), 4.8, and at two minutes left I dropped down to 4.2 for a slowwwww jog, but it was still a jog. And I felt SO EXCITED that I'd done it. I didn't think I'd have to stop getting through it one more time. But halfway through the next 3 minutes of jogging, my knee started feeling like bone was grating on bone and my ankles were killing me. I felt like a complete baby, and a fatass, because I COULDN'T keep going. I walked, then jogged, then walked, and jogged again, and after a little over 30 minutes and a little over 2 miles, I stopped and went and did some leg weight training. 

I'm re-thinking if going straight for training for a 5k is a good idea or not. Especially with my wal-mart shoes. I'm pretty confident I'll reach my 10 pound mark this week and be able to get myself real shoes, and from what I've heard good shoes make a WORLD of difference, but good shoes won't change the fact that I'm still almost 200 pounds and have neeeeevvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr been an athlete before. Ever. I've never done any kind of physical routine other than in PE in middle school and the first two years of high school. I really feel like my legs just aren't ready--or in any shape--to be taking on this much weight under the pressure that comes from running. 

But I also don't want to give up and make excuses. 

Maybe I just need to go at my own pace for a while, and really, truly focus on weight training to build up the muscles in my legs, and in a month or so I'll be more cut out for training for a 5k. Look, I'm not trying to be an athlete. I'm not willing to injure myself in the name of getting in shape. Sue me. I know I can do it without injuring myself. It might take more time, and be a slower process, but I'm thinking I might be willing to accept that. 

Because my knee is killing me. 

Ugh. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, and that's be able to just run without it hurting. I know it will hurt less the more weight I lose, but it's like a messed up catch 22. I need to lose some weight in order to be able to handle running safely, but I can't lose weight without cardio. And I hate elliptical and bikes--I feel like those are cop-out cardio machines made to make people think they're doing something when they're really not. Although today I did see a guy (in very good shape) on an elliptical with weights around his ankles, and every bit of his clothes was drenched in sweat by the time he finished. Other than him, I've never really seen someone break a sweat on one of those things, or a bike unless its in a spin class. 

OK that's the end of my rant. Tomorrow I'm not doing C25K. I'm just going to focus on pushing through 2 miles at least on the treadmill, at whatever pace I need to go at. 

I also emailed my idol Mama Laughlin (see inspiration) about this whole issue I'm having. I know if I hear back it won't be for a while, but maybe it'll come at just the right time :) 

Peace out peeps!